Saturday, May 21, 2005


Team America: World Police

Team America is out on DVD now. I cannot recommend this movie more...I saw it three times in the theaters. Here is one of my favorite musical numbers:

song: ["End of an Act"] I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark, When he made Pearl Harbor. / I miss you more than that movie missed the point, And that's an awful lot, girl. / And now, now you've gone away, And all I'm trying to say, is: Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you. / I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school, He was terrible in that film. / I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part, He's way better than Ben Affleck. / And now, all I can think about is your smile, and that shitty movie, too! Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you. / Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies? / I guess Pearl Harbor sucked, just a little bit more than I miss you.

Courtesy of IMDB a few more quotes:

Gary Johnston: I was just a boy when the infidels came in their Blackhawk helicopters. The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the fiery black liquid death. In the midst of the chaos, I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help. As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. It was on that day I put a jihad on them. And if you don't believe it, you'd better kill me now cause I'll put a jihad on you.

Sean Penn: Last year I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. They had flowering meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.

Lisa: Promise me you'll never die. Gary Johnston: You know I can't promise that. Lisa: Promise me you'll never die and I'll make love to you right now. Gary Johnston: I promise I'll never die.

Tim Robbins: Let me tell you how all this works: you see, Team America is funded by the corporations, so they fight for the corporations... while they sit in their corporation buildings... and they're all corporation-y... and they make lots of money!

Gary Johnston: We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!

The movie is hilarious and I think it has a good wholesome message despite the profanity, sex, and violence.

I didn't see it, so clue me in: What's the wholesome message?
The pussies, assholes, and dicks speech is what I was referring to as the good wholesome message. By my standards its pretty wholesome anyway.

Sometimes I get tired of elite Hollywood types telling me how to think. Which is why my interest in this movie has waned.

Although, from what I gather, the idea that actors don't always know what's best for people is one of the themes of this movie. A film that says "Listen to our movie: Movies shouldn't tell you what to think" is either supremely and subtley ironic, or ridiculously self-congratulatory. Since I don't think the creators have a subtle bone in their heads, and since I'm tired of self-congratulatory rhetoric, I am going to avoid Team America.

But the quotes were funny.
Just bought my copy. AWESOME F-ING MOVIE. So awesome i even wrote a blog about it.
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