Monday, May 23, 2005


I am not going to drink for awhile


Saturday night was apparently very eventful, but due to my first ever black out I don't remember most of it. I remember getting to the bar and a girl coming over and doing a few drinks with me. I remember going back to sit with her friends who seemed to like me. Then nothing for a long time. I vaguely recall approaching the owner on the street, though I have no idea what I said. I then recall throwing up all over myself in some location that I'm not entirely sure of where it was. I think it might have been the pizza place. If anyone from the pizza place reads this and can confirm that I was not there with any hot women I would appreciate it. I also apologize for any inconvenience. I then remember being driven home by two very big guys...I think they might have been bouncers. This confuses me though. I checked my outgoing calls on my cell phone when I woke up. I had made a call for a cab at 2:47 in the morning. I'm pretty sure a cab didn't take me home, but I would have been out still if I called which means I couldn't have been at the bar since it closes at 2 a.m. If I wasn't at the bar why would bouncers take me home? I have a theory that doesn't make me feel particularly good. The theory is that I went to the pizza place with the owner of the bar, threw up, and she had the bouncers drive me home. Please don't let that be the case. Also, I am just hoping at this point that I didn't do anything bad in the bar in front of my favorite waitress who is as cute and sexy as any woman alive. One can hope. I will be going back to the bar to try and ask her what happened and apologize if I was bad, but I'm going to try taking it a little easier in the future. There is nothing scarier than waking up and having no idea what happened. Also finding dried vomit all over your shirt and pants is not a plus either.

In case anyone is wondering though, while the black out is probably alcohol related, I don't think the vomit was. I tried to eat on Sunday and threw up again. I'm eating today, but just chili that is so runny its almost water. Anyway...I thought I would give you all a heads up. On the off chance that anyone who reads this knows what I did on Saturday and who I did it in front of, I'd appreciate a heads up.



Saturday, May 21, 2005


Team America: World Police

Team America is out on DVD now. I cannot recommend this movie more...I saw it three times in the theaters. Here is one of my favorite musical numbers:

song: ["End of an Act"] I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark, When he made Pearl Harbor. / I miss you more than that movie missed the point, And that's an awful lot, girl. / And now, now you've gone away, And all I'm trying to say, is: Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you. / I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school, He was terrible in that film. / I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part, He's way better than Ben Affleck. / And now, all I can think about is your smile, and that shitty movie, too! Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you. / Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies? / I guess Pearl Harbor sucked, just a little bit more than I miss you.

Courtesy of IMDB a few more quotes:

Gary Johnston: I was just a boy when the infidels came in their Blackhawk helicopters. The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the fiery black liquid death. In the midst of the chaos, I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help. As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. It was on that day I put a jihad on them. And if you don't believe it, you'd better kill me now cause I'll put a jihad on you.

Sean Penn: Last year I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. They had flowering meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.

Lisa: Promise me you'll never die. Gary Johnston: You know I can't promise that. Lisa: Promise me you'll never die and I'll make love to you right now. Gary Johnston: I promise I'll never die.

Tim Robbins: Let me tell you how all this works: you see, Team America is funded by the corporations, so they fight for the corporations... while they sit in their corporation buildings... and they're all corporation-y... and they make lots of money!

Gary Johnston: We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!

The movie is hilarious and I think it has a good wholesome message despite the profanity, sex, and violence.

Monday, May 16, 2005


Playing Pool

I played pool a little drunk last night and it ended up being the best part of my week...I ended up getting a date with a successful woman...she told me she would call me when we are both sober and set it up. I'm feeling pretty good about it.

That being said, I screwed up by not getting her phone number, but I will see her again many times I'm sure and people who know her told me she really likes me so I think I'm safe.

In any case...I was talking to Matt who has not seen Confessions of a Dangerous Mind...Matt, Chuck Barris was the name I was thinking of. Here are some quotes to make you want to see the movie.

last lines
Chuck Barris: I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator.

Patricia: Insane asylums are filled with people who think they're Jesus or Satan. Very few have delusions of being a guy down the block who works for an insurance company.

Jim Byrd: You're 32 years old, and you've achieved nothing. Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33. You better get crackin'.

[first lines] Dick Clark: I wouldn't want to live his life because he hasn't been happy all of his life. All I think is if you can find work, stay healthy, find somebody to share it with, you're the ultimate success. He's had some of the pieces of the puzzle, but not all of them.

Don't ask me why, but this also lead me to pull up some Donnie Darko quotes.

On the origins of Smurfette

Donnie: First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village, but the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have reproductive organs under those little white pants. That's what's so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. What's the point of living if you don't have a dick?

Donnie: I made a new friend today. Dr. Lilian Thurman: Real or imaginary? Donnie: Imaginary.
(this interaction fits me perfectly)
Gretchen: You're weird. Donnie: Sorry. Gretchen: No, that was a compliment.
(so does that one)

Donnie: Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit?
Frank: Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?

Gretchen: Donnie Darko? What the hell kind of name is that? It's like some sort of superhero or something
Donnie: What makes you think I'm not?

Gretchen: My mom had to get a restraining order against my step dad. He has emotional problems.
Donnie: Oh, I have those too. What kind does your step dad have?

Gretchen: Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood. for the day...rock on Michigan, and I'll let you all know when I have what I hope is my first successful date...

Sunday, May 15, 2005


Just to let you all know i'm still alive.

Okay so here is the thing. I am cute, smart, funny, and a pretty sweet guy. Despite what women claim, this is not what they really want. I was out this weekend with three girls who ended up all of them hooking up with guys who were not nearly as cute (though taller), borderline retarded, had senses of humor that made me want to pound a nail into the wall with my forehead, and were obviously just looking to get laid.

It all goes back to an assertion of mine that fails to make an impression on the women I talk to. Most of the women I know "claim" they do not like players. They claim they do not want to date players. Yet they invariably do date players. In fact, players can only be players if women do respond well to that behavior, therefore it goes without saying that women as a general rule do like players regardless of what they "claim."

Anyway...the love from my last post isn't even remotely interested in talking to me now that she is sober, the tall blonde waitress who I was working a longterm strategy to get a date is now engaged. Another very attractive waitress that is almost as beautiful as a human person can be is not only unimpressed by my ability to do 15 shots in a row without losing conciousness, but she is also in a relationship (or claims to be). In other news though, the three girls I was out with confirmed for me that women do seem to respond better to me when I'm heavily intoxicated. In fact, I went to National Coney Islands with them and got the phone number for an 18 year old girl who is in a relationship. Okay, so I haven't had the courage yet to find out if the number is real or not, plus I'm slightly disturbed because I can't remember her name (though I do remember the name of the girl she was with)...but in two more days I will call and let you all know.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hi. I'm gunna go play a few games of pool tonight and see if my blonde goddess is working so i can find out what to get her for a wedding present in the hopes that when she is ready for her second husband she thinks of me. Anyway,


Sunday, May 01, 2005


My life is over

I'm in love...It looks like she isn't going to give me the time of day. Not sure what to do but don't expect many posts for awhile as I try to deal with my depression and try to find a way to convince this goddess to give me a chance and go out with me.

(She is the girl from my previous post incidentally).

Chat with ya all later.

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