Tuesday, February 08, 2005


I'm in a good mood, in spite of the fucked up stuff.

I'm still in a good mood despite the fact that everyone around me (with the exception of Jay) is either petty or stupid (in many cases both). I stayed late at work talking to one of my coworkers because another coworker is all pissy about the redhead incident weeks ago. I could care less. I am not reveling in his pain or anything, but after hearing what he has told at least one person about the events of the night with the redhead it is clear to me that I really don't care if he never talks to me again. I didn't really care before that either, so maybe I'm not being fair. I know I probably sound bitter right now, but I'm not. I have thought about it and I think he really needs to believe that things didn't work out between him and the redhead because I was being a manipulative bastard and plotted to steal her away. I think it is preferable to the truth which is that he doesn't have the guts to go after anything that he wants and when it doesn't fall into his lap he gets all depressed and says "what is wrong with me."

In any case, I was talking with this other coworker about it he once again asserted that you need to be introduced to women by your friends. I asked him why if he believes that he doesn't attempt to introduce me to any of his friends. He basically said (though slightly more tactfully) that it is because he is ashamed of me and doesn't trust me not to completely piss anyone off. I have to say I think this is a fair assessment, but it aggravates me that he keeps asserting that you need to meet people through friends but he is unwilling to do it himself. (In fact he is not alone, many people share this opinion and will not introduce me to their friends...though why they then think I would be able to cultivate a friendship with a woman is beyond me.)

I also told him that trying to be friends with someone I am attracted to is impossible for me. The pain of watching someone that I want constantly with someone else is something I have experienced before and I will not experience it again. Also, the emotional investment in that relationship would escalate over time and considering how hard I take rejection on the one time meeting level, a prolonged relationship followed by a rejection might just kill me. Not to mention the fact that if I actually have a relationship with a woman when I ask her out, then I don't take no for an answer. I would continue to badger the woman into going out with me until she gets so pissed off that I have to move yet again. Ultimately, I am probably doomed to be alone forever because of this. I don't have the body to get women to go out with me based upon just the visual, and I don't have the capacity to be friends with a woman I am attracted to.

Yet, I am still in a good mood...why? The twins. I could fall for them...I think I really could. That would be frought with its own problems of course, but for the time being it is a possibility that is allowing me quite a bit of energy (despite a great lack of sleep). Also, the twins will be going to college soon and thus they will fully be expected to provide me with hookups to cute blonde freshmen girls, and best of all they understand this and are okay with it (they haven't spoken to my coworker who feels the shame).

I should also mention that my coworker has a really low opinion of me. Some of it is justified. I am a very selfish person which he seems to view as a negative trait, whereas I believe that everyone is very selfish and they try to fool themselves into believing they aren't. Of course, even by that standard I'm more selfish than most. I would sacrifice anything for a romantic/sexual relationship. There isn't anyone I wouldn't screw over if it meant that I would get the girl I want. He also believes I'm very manipulative. (I think he is actually the one who put the idea in the other coworkers head that I planned to steal her away before the comedy show). Now, do I try to arrange things to get me way? Yes. I do not however have the forsight in most instances to be as manipulative as he seems to think I am. I wish I did...if I was as manipulative as he thinks I am I would hope I would have been able to con some woman into going on at least one date with me...but alas no. Still, I'm not going to let it get to me. I don't know how long I have left on my high. Sooner or later I'm going to come down and go back into my depression. I can almost feel it happening actually. I realized today that the redhead never called me back about the social plans that are not a date. Now this is both good and bad. To be honest I don't think she and I should be friends because I would probably not be able to stop at some point and would end up obsessing about it, but at the same time the fact that no call has been returned at all makes me a little worried that I completely alienated her (why should I care about that since she has already rejected me? I'm still trying to figure that one out.) But that is off on the horizon. For the time being I'm planning to move to Cincinnati in November. I'm waiting for one of the twins to confirm what college she is going to, since if she picks one other than the one I'm thinking she will pick I might actually put in for a transfer to a different office than Cincinnati. I've also gotten a boost to my confidence due to the twins and am trying to parlay that confidence into some action before I go out to California.

I'm looking forward to a new start. To be honest with the exception of Jay and Matt (and I'm not just saying that because you are the only two who read this), I'm ready to be rid of everyone that I work with (or at least indifferent about some of them). I'm doing horrible on the dating scene out here (not that I've done any better anywhere else) so I could use a change of pace. Plus the pickup line that I'm new in town which seems like a winner for bold introductions to women is starting to lose its sincerity as I reach the one year mark. Yes, I definitely need to start to prepare to move as once I come down off this high I'm going to be very depressed indeed about my environment and my "friends."

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