Tuesday, February 22, 2005

 

Hunter S Thompson

"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone, but they always worked for me."

--Hunter S Thompson.

I'm sure you heard that Hunter killed himself the other day. I don't agree with all of his politics (I'm more of a P.J. O'Rourke--who also wrote for Rolling Stone--kinda guy) but he was a quintessential American writer. I don't think anyone got through an American literature class without reading quite a bit of his work. Some people apparently were shocked that he shot himself, saying things like "I would have thought it more likely for him to shoot me than himself" but I think considering his poor health that it is understandable and if there is a loving god, I don't imagine how this action could keep him out of heaven.

Anyway,

Rest in Peace.

 

I haven't posted in awhile

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in awhile mainly because if I posted about what I've been doing I'd probably have alot of irate people leaving comments about what a bad person I am...

I have rediscovered drinking at the age of 25. I never particularly liked drinking...I got drunk once when I was very young and bad stuff happened, so I only got drunk by myself for a very long time. Now that I have discovered that noone would possibly want to be with me, drinking in public has gotten more enjoyable. I would actually be very happy if some random woman would see me in my inebriated state and take advantage of me...in ways that don't just involve me buying them drinks.

I have discovered I am an excellent drunk and that drinking around people is not nearly as depressing as drinking by yourself. For those of you who don't believe that I am an excellent drunk...the police have actually indicated this to me as they know me extremely well by now. I had one tell me as he saw me entering a club on Saturday night to "Rock On!" He said this after confirming I had been at another club the night before and I was the same person he remembered. It made me feel all warm and tingly so I did 3 shots and hit the dance floor which at the time was practically vacant. Sure, I asked women to dance with me, but they all said no. Once I got on the floor, women danced with me, but none of them would do it for more than 5 or 10 minutes and I sure as hell didn't get any numbers out of the deal...in spite of the fact that there was one exceptionally hot blonde girl there who could have gotten me to crawl around on the floor and bark like a dog if she had asked...who am I kidding? Most attractive women could get me to do that when I'm sober.

I thought I was making progress with one girl who I kept buying shots of..."piece of ass" whatever the hell that is. She snuck away before dancing with me...possibly because I had my hands all over her, although in my defense I repeatedly asked her if it was alright and told her to tell me if i crossed a line.

So anyway...I also got banned from a club, apparently for life, despite the fact I did nothing wrong...if you don't believe I did nothing wrong (as many of my friends have indicated) then you can go to hell. Seriously, the cops said I was fine, the bouncers said there wasn't a problem, and the bartenders loved me. The owner of that club just doesn't like me. He as much as told me so when I spoke to him upon entering.

So anyway, I have been partying...trying to meet a hot blonde girl who will take advantage of me.

As a side note, I would like to relay this story from Saturday night...I am dancing by myself close to closing. A woman starts dancing very suggestively with me and asks me if I am there by myself and I say no...I ask her if she is there by herself...before she can respond her female friend comes over and tells me she is her girlfriend and starts to pull her away. As a joke, well 60% joke, 40% serious, I indicate that I would be willing to go home with both of them. This doesn't get them to stay? What is up with that?

Also, why is it that at closing time I am always dancing alone and creepy guys are dancing with the hot girls? I hate that.

I'll type more later if I can get up the energy.

Monday, February 14, 2005

 

When I'm drunk I'm popular with attached women and gay guys...what's up with that?

Hi again all,

I had a weekend. I have taken to the bottle in a pretty spectacular fashion and it seems to be helping. On Friday night I went to Boogie Fever and drank vodka and cokes. Woman after woman refused my advances, but at the end of the night I got 3 very attractive women to dance with me...they all had boyfriends or husbands, but they danced with me and it felt good, especially the grinding...the grinding was very good. The most sober of the three asked me if I thought it was appropriate to touch female strangers the way that I was...they didn't seem to mind, but I backed off a little anyway. Sadly, I didn't get any phone numbers, but I consider the night a success nonetheless.

Then on Saturday night I went back. This time only one married woman danced with me. I did get hit on by three guys though. One of them flat out told me he thought I was "so hot" and "very cute." It felt good but then his female companion got pissed at me and pushed me away, though not before he leaned in to give me a kiss and then grabbed my head and pulled it in against his chest. The police took my car keys away and I had to pick them up on Sunday...I wasn't driving drunk or anything like that...they just came into the club, saw me dancing and decided that I shouldn't have my keys. The following day a full 12 hours after my last drink my breathalizer readout still came in too high for them to give me my car keys back. the bouncers at the club were also convinced I had taken other drugs along with the alcohol, but I swear I hadn't. I was going to try and be witty writing this recount and make it sound more interesting, but I haven't been able to accomplish anything today...all of the people I call are "out" and it is aggravating...arghhh.

Okay, more later...really.

Friday, February 11, 2005

 

Generally uninteresting update, with one funny link

Via Newmark's Door, 51 easy steps to creating your own blog. Anyone who has a blog will instantly recognize that they went through virtually all of these steps and will then start drinking heavily.

In other news, April 1 -7 is going to be my California trip. I'm apprehensive. I adore the twins and am instantaneously distrustful of any guy they are with. It isn't that I am jealous, I am just distrustful. I can guarantee that the people they introduce me to during the week will not be good enough for them and I will have to bite my tongue so as not to offend them and have them avoid talking to me.

Hopefully I can make it through without totalling screwing up my relationship with them. It will be a long hard road, but I can't not go back and visit them.

I've more or less finished cutting off my ties with my coworkers. I sent an email politely requesting some of my DVD's back from one of them and sent an email with an excuse as to why I'm not going to be playing poker with them anymore that hopefully doesn't sound petty or lame.

The twins told me what I already know, that my method isn't likely to work in picking up women...I told them what they already know, that I don't have any other options. I can't blow my relationship with them because a) they are really cool and I like them, and b) they are going to be my last chance for getting attractive 18 year old girls to go out with me. In any case, back to the grindstone today and then tonight I do the clubbing thing.

Wish me Luck

Thursday, February 10, 2005

 

I'm going to be less personal today.

Okay, I've been ranting for a few days about things that I'm sure no one but me cares about, so now I'm going to link to a bunch of stuff that once again, most people are likely not to care about.

This paper, entitled "Fatal Attraction" is about "hide and seek" games (zero sum games where one player wins by matching the response of the other party and the other pary wins by mismatching the former players response). It is all good fun, and suprisingly begins with a Garrison Keillor quote.

Marginal revolution links to a paper estimating the costs of producing new drugs. It is pretty interesting, and actually reflects a lower number than I would have guess, if not higher than other people seem to think.

I also like Alex's point in this entry that it is a normative assessment to claim that young people die in car crashes because of brain immaturity. "I am bothered, however, by how much of this type of research is suffused with a normative bias. Why is taking risks always connected with brain immaturity? Why not say brain atrophy makes people stodgy and boring? Could it be that the researchers are not teenagers?"

Via geekpress, The song "Escape" in a tech world comes true.

For Jay, this is the story about the online sex offender database/dating service that I mentioned.

That is about it for today. On a personal note, I'm off to a good start on my 30 a week plan. I hit on one girl at the coffee shop this morning before I started work, one at my dry cleaners which I went to at lunch, and one at the grocery store, which I also hit at lunch. I figure I can easily hit 3 more tonight. Yes they were all rejections, but eventually some woman will have to be stupid enough to say yes right?

Have a good one all.

Quote of the day? "My days of not taking you seriously are seriously coming to a middle. " --Firefly

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

 

Complaining Board (you may want to skip this post)

I had a long day. I drove up North about 5 hours had an appointment and began my journey back. All in all, I put in a 12 hour day, though I have to admit I sometimes don't feel it appropriate to refer to my driving time as working. I know that it is time devoted to my job, but it just seems funny to say that I talked on the phone, listened to talk radio, some music, and let my mind beat me up for awhile...that's the work I performed today. Sure I thought about my job and how to classify this and that and how to document this situation or that, but not too much. In any case, I got home and then decided to go back out clubbing...only problem is that the only club in the area that I thought I knew to be open late on Wed Night is Posh, and it turns out I was wrong...how could that happen? I was there once before on a Wed, which I thought was Salsa night, but they were closed when I got there tonight. I drove by some bars which were all dead and I decided to come back here and start typing.

Can I really claim that a day I was able to sum up in one paragraph was a long day? I don't know, but it felt long. I grew increasingly annoyed over the course of the day with the situation from my last post. I'm probably being petty, just like I claimed the others were being, but I have come to the conclusion that I don't want anything to do with the coworker who would never introduce me to any of his friends. The more I think about it and our conversations the more I resent him and the more of an asshole he seems to be. I think the great irony is that while he claims that I am the most selfish person he knows, it is in reality he who is the most selfish person he knows. He is infinitely more self involved than me, but he likes to pretend that he is somehow better than me. Perfect example, the redhead. He could have a poker game next week at his house and facilitate the mingling between the other coworker and her, but he won't because he doesn't want to play with four people. I basically pushed everything together for this guy to be in proximity to the redhead before and things didn't work out so I pursue something and I'm the bad guy, while he won't do anything to help the guy and he comes off as the good guy? What the fuck is that? He makes no effort in his relationships...the other people are always making the effort. He doesn't care about anyone but himself, but he likes to pretend otherwise...it makes him feel more human. I don't care that he is so selfish, it just pisses me off when he condemns me for it...

Argh...my blog has turned into a complaining board, which I hope to stop soon, but for now I just need to get it out.

In other news, there is no other news. I didn't talk to the twins last night...it may be a few days before I get to again so I'm on the way down from my high. I really do need an actual girlfriend. I've also almost given up on non-romantic socializing. I think there is a good reason that my long-term friends all live in other states than me. That is the kind of buffer I need to maintain a relationship with someone as a friend. And I can't be friends with women that I'm attracted to (and I think anyone who thinks that is the way to get the woman you are attracted to is smoking crack, because it doesn't work).

What was I rambling about? Basically the fact that all my social outlets in the area are dying and I've put in a Do not resuscitate order. Until I move I'm just going to have to try even harder on the woman front. My goal beginning tommorrow is to hit on/ask out 30 women a week. That is probably not too much higher than what I have been doing, but it is good to set up realistic goals.

I also need to find a drug dealer to keep my high going when I'm not able to talk to the twins (or for when my trip back blows up in my face and they decide they hate me).

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

 

I'm in a good mood, in spite of the fucked up stuff.

I'm still in a good mood despite the fact that everyone around me (with the exception of Jay) is either petty or stupid (in many cases both). I stayed late at work talking to one of my coworkers because another coworker is all pissy about the redhead incident weeks ago. I could care less. I am not reveling in his pain or anything, but after hearing what he has told at least one person about the events of the night with the redhead it is clear to me that I really don't care if he never talks to me again. I didn't really care before that either, so maybe I'm not being fair. I know I probably sound bitter right now, but I'm not. I have thought about it and I think he really needs to believe that things didn't work out between him and the redhead because I was being a manipulative bastard and plotted to steal her away. I think it is preferable to the truth which is that he doesn't have the guts to go after anything that he wants and when it doesn't fall into his lap he gets all depressed and says "what is wrong with me."

In any case, I was talking with this other coworker about it he once again asserted that you need to be introduced to women by your friends. I asked him why if he believes that he doesn't attempt to introduce me to any of his friends. He basically said (though slightly more tactfully) that it is because he is ashamed of me and doesn't trust me not to completely piss anyone off. I have to say I think this is a fair assessment, but it aggravates me that he keeps asserting that you need to meet people through friends but he is unwilling to do it himself. (In fact he is not alone, many people share this opinion and will not introduce me to their friends...though why they then think I would be able to cultivate a friendship with a woman is beyond me.)

I also told him that trying to be friends with someone I am attracted to is impossible for me. The pain of watching someone that I want constantly with someone else is something I have experienced before and I will not experience it again. Also, the emotional investment in that relationship would escalate over time and considering how hard I take rejection on the one time meeting level, a prolonged relationship followed by a rejection might just kill me. Not to mention the fact that if I actually have a relationship with a woman when I ask her out, then I don't take no for an answer. I would continue to badger the woman into going out with me until she gets so pissed off that I have to move yet again. Ultimately, I am probably doomed to be alone forever because of this. I don't have the body to get women to go out with me based upon just the visual, and I don't have the capacity to be friends with a woman I am attracted to.

Yet, I am still in a good mood...why? The twins. I could fall for them...I think I really could. That would be frought with its own problems of course, but for the time being it is a possibility that is allowing me quite a bit of energy (despite a great lack of sleep). Also, the twins will be going to college soon and thus they will fully be expected to provide me with hookups to cute blonde freshmen girls, and best of all they understand this and are okay with it (they haven't spoken to my coworker who feels the shame).

I should also mention that my coworker has a really low opinion of me. Some of it is justified. I am a very selfish person which he seems to view as a negative trait, whereas I believe that everyone is very selfish and they try to fool themselves into believing they aren't. Of course, even by that standard I'm more selfish than most. I would sacrifice anything for a romantic/sexual relationship. There isn't anyone I wouldn't screw over if it meant that I would get the girl I want. He also believes I'm very manipulative. (I think he is actually the one who put the idea in the other coworkers head that I planned to steal her away before the comedy show). Now, do I try to arrange things to get me way? Yes. I do not however have the forsight in most instances to be as manipulative as he seems to think I am. I wish I did...if I was as manipulative as he thinks I am I would hope I would have been able to con some woman into going on at least one date with me...but alas no. Still, I'm not going to let it get to me. I don't know how long I have left on my high. Sooner or later I'm going to come down and go back into my depression. I can almost feel it happening actually. I realized today that the redhead never called me back about the social plans that are not a date. Now this is both good and bad. To be honest I don't think she and I should be friends because I would probably not be able to stop at some point and would end up obsessing about it, but at the same time the fact that no call has been returned at all makes me a little worried that I completely alienated her (why should I care about that since she has already rejected me? I'm still trying to figure that one out.) But that is off on the horizon. For the time being I'm planning to move to Cincinnati in November. I'm waiting for one of the twins to confirm what college she is going to, since if she picks one other than the one I'm thinking she will pick I might actually put in for a transfer to a different office than Cincinnati. I've also gotten a boost to my confidence due to the twins and am trying to parlay that confidence into some action before I go out to California.

I'm looking forward to a new start. To be honest with the exception of Jay and Matt (and I'm not just saying that because you are the only two who read this), I'm ready to be rid of everyone that I work with (or at least indifferent about some of them). I'm doing horrible on the dating scene out here (not that I've done any better anywhere else) so I could use a change of pace. Plus the pickup line that I'm new in town which seems like a winner for bold introductions to women is starting to lose its sincerity as I reach the one year mark. Yes, I definitely need to start to prepare to move as once I come down off this high I'm going to be very depressed indeed about my environment and my "friends."

 

I have an authentic valley boy "whatever."

I talked to the twins again last night...I intended to be done at a reasonable hour, but increasingly I am of the belief that a reasonable hour when talking with them really is 3 o'clock in the morning. I enjoy chatting with them quite a bit and last night I got a little bit more attention from Tiger so she apparently doesn't hate me. She has also informed me that when I come to visit she is going to "goth me up." No, I will not be posting pictures of that. I'm going to let her of course though, because she purrs for me and I have to say if you heard her purr you wouldn't be able to say no either.

Two days in a row of a decent mood...this may be my longest record in many years. Hopefully I won't come crashing down tonight since we won't be chatting.

In other news, I'm driving up North tomorrow for an appointment and as usual they are expecting snow...I'm gifted at being able to generate snow on any occassion that I don't fancy it. Still, I only have the one appointment and it is later in the day so I expect it will be a good leisurly day.

I'll post some links later if I don't fall asleep,

Later.

Monday, February 07, 2005

 

Quote of the Day

I've been reading Oliver Wendell Holmes recently and came across this passage:

"It is not enough for the knight of romance that you agree that his lady is a very nice girl--if you do not admit that she is the best that God ever made or will make, you must fight. There is in all men a demand for the superlative, so much so that the poor devil who has no other way of reaching it attains it by getting drunk."

I'd say pass me another shot if I weren't in a decent mood tonight.

 

I'm in a better mood

Last night I had a four hour phone conversation almost entirely with "sweetness" as I have taken to calling her (her twin sister "Tiger" was aloof most of the night making me wonder if she still likes me). In any case it was a really good conversation. It was our first conversation that really involved sex since we met. I find that really strange considering how important sex is to me, but the twins are younger than me and it just didn't feel appropriate until recently to discuss such things.

Here is the big laugh of the night, she was under the impression that I wasn't particularly kinky...please try not to hit the person next to you as you flail your arms wildly in laughter. They are goth girls and apparantly a bit kinky as well so we had lots to talk about.

I miss Sweetness and Tiger alot and time has only made me even fonder of them. I found out that they blog, though I didn't mention my blog and wondered if they had already found it. I don't know why I didn't mention it...I don't ever say anything bad about them because there is nothing bad to say about either of them. They are sweet and funny and smart and I would only say good things about either of them, but I still didn't feel like I should let them know. I have had this problem with many people I know. The pressure of having a blog that all your friends read seems so much more daunting than something that just random people read. Of course, some day they might come across my blog and be annoyed I didn't tell them about it, but I hope that they can come back to this entry and note that it was not done out of malice.

I don't really want to let the entire world into the contents of the conversation between the two of us, but it was a pretty important phone call that has changed my mood drastically for the better so I figured I should mention it to any readers out there. I will not be drinking this week.

In other news, my hair stylist is going to find out relationship details about the new blonde girl at my hair salon so that I can approach her. I thought that was going to be the high point of my weekend, but it turned out that the phone call was...though technically the phone call occurred today (it started just after midnight and went to 4:30...I then got up at 8 before my alarm even went off...that tells you how good it was.

Anyway, I'm calling "sweetness" tonight. It will hopefully not blow up in my face the way my conversations with every other woman does.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

 

The structure of high school sex i didn't get.

Have you been thinking alot lately about the sex patterns of high school students? I know I have...wow does that sound bad...but luckily via geekpress this article is about that very subject.

"The results showed that, unlike many adult networks, there was no core group of very sexually active people at the high school. There were not many students who had many partners and who provided links to the rest of the community.
Instead, the romantic and sexual network at the school created long chains of connections that spread out through the community, with few places where students directly shared the same partners with each other. But they were indirectly linked, partner to partner to partner. One component of the network linked 288 students – more than half of those who were romantically active at the school – in one long chain. "

Okay...so apparently when we become adults some of you start hogging all of the sex for yourselves so the rest of us can't have any...of course I didn't have any in high school either so I guess I can't blame it all on adulthood. My question though, even though the move into adulthood didn't change my sex life one bit (or lack thereof), is why does the structure of the sexual social network change upon entering adulthood? Of course this high school could be an anomaly, but if it isn't, why would clustering start to take place in adulthood? I have a few theories, but they are all too depressing for me to think about right now so I'm just going to go feel old and leacherous...just another Wed Night.

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