Sunday, January 16, 2005


My weekend

Confession time...Friday was my birthday...I am a quarter of a century old and getting older everyday. I know it sounds absurd, but when you are attracted to young looking women it is particularly depressing to know that every day there are fewer and fewer who would be willing to talk to you let alone have sex with you.

I'm 25 years old...I have never had a girlfriend...I have never been on a date...I have never had sex...and let me be perfectly clear here, things are only going to get harder in the next 25 years. I made my move for the sexy 18 year old hot blonde who works at the car dealership. She has already expressed concern at how old I am, but I tried again anyway...even despite the fact she now has a boyfriend. I was to put it mildly, pathetic. I couldn't stop pushing. I couldn't stop trying to convince her she should be going out with me. I ask out A LOT of women and get rejected everytime without fail. Sometimes it is really amazing how agressively they reject me. The hot blonde from the dealership (she does have a name and I know it believe it or not, but I'm not using it to protect her identity) was very sweet and nice about the rejection...but she is probably the woman I have found most appealing since I moved to Michigan so it hurt more than normal. As a result I got a couple of bottles of Vodka and when my roommate left I began drinking...heavily. I was hoping I could drink enough to forget my humiliation and for that matter, my name...alas the result was more of me thinking about how screwed up I am and how it was probably smart for Emily to cut off all contact with me.

The truth is that as much as I like my job and have a really good life...I still find myself feeling lonely, miserable, and despondent. It is self-pity really. I don't really have any right to complain. How many people not only don't have anyone, but are stuck in a job they hate or are homeless or any number of other problems that make mine pale in comparison? And then for me to indulge my pain as though it is legitimate and to take to my blog and continue the self-indulgence is really pretty pathetic...but here I am. I guess everyone has a right to complain, but I know if I were telling my problems to myself I would be rolling my eyes at how stupid I was being.

And yet I continue. I can tell you today what the rest of my life will be like. I will live in Michigan for 3 - 4 years before becoming so depressed with my love life that I try to escape all my failures and rejections and ask for a transfer to somplace else...maybe someplace close at first...Cincinnati or Chicago. Then in another few years the same thing will happen again and a few years after that again...and again...and again. Soon I'll be 50, with no friends, no love life, and very little reason to get up in the morning. My job will keep me going if I'm lucky until I retire, but sooner or later I'll become so bitter that I won't be able to do my job and will have to leave. Once that happens I'll become a hermit, never letting my wrinkled old body leave the house to be reminded that there are so many young women in the world who find me to be a disgusting creepy old man. One day I'll buy a gun and blow my brains out not to be discoverd for many months. The truth is that that scenerio is actually not my nightmare scenerio. My nightmare scenerio is that I buy the gun and never work up the nerve to kill myself and as a result go on living day after day becoming more miserably depressed until I lose control of my bodily functions and have to hire some middle aged nurse to come change my diapers for years until I die in a puddle of my own piss when my heart gives out while I'm attempting to obtain an erection.

So this is what my weekend has primarily been trying to cope with the inevitable thread of my life. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to post something a little less self-indulgent and a little bit more upbeat...I'll find some television quotes or something.

Night all.

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