Sunday, January 30, 2005

 

Random links for the cry baby who called me today

I have to stop picking up the phone when I'm drunk...

I am not giving all of you gawkers an insight into my private life today, instead I will be posting a few links since I apparently have an outraged reader who is offended that I have neglected to steal other people's research on the absurd for a few days...get off your high horse woman...anyway, here goes.

Monkey Porn. via Instapundit.

Via Marginal revolution another example of Krugman smoking crack.

Also via MR...cockfighting with boxing gloves?

Via geekpress, D&D themed sex? Granted I don't have sex, but still that seems strange even for me.

Okay...are you all happy? I wish I weren't so easily influenced by peer pressure. Don't come bothering me again until I have the dexterity to type at a rate faster than five words a minute.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

 

I'm in a Rush

Okay...I haven't updated in awhile and Matt indicated on the phone yesterday that this disturbed him. I wish I had updated yesterday, but alas I didn't and now everything has pretty much changed...or failed to change I guess more accurately.

Here are the events in a nutshell:

I went to comedy club with a coworker and the girl he is interested in.

Things went poorly for him and seemed to go fairly well for me. She and I seemed to be hitting it off and several people told me they construed her comments as interest in me. (Dear God why did I believe anyone making such insane statements?)

The girl has a nice body, though I wasn't fond of her face (freckles which I dislike, plus not blonde) but her personality seemed to more than compensate and for the first time in ages I guess I was genuinely attracted to a girl.

I call her up to basically ask her out last night and realize that she has no interest in me whatsoever (shouldn't we have assumed that to begin with?) and I further screw things up by being myself on the phone...it ends badly.

So then I drive back today from my appointment and decide I have to get drunk and go after a few dozen women. I talked to Jason and he will get me drunk later (many thanks to my knight in shining armor) but in the meantime I have way too much time and no clubs are open yet (and few seem to be open on Wed Night anyway. So I'm looking into flying to Boston for a couple of days (Lots of college campuses in close proximity means lots of college aged girls and lots of clubs which means maximum rejection in a confined period of time). One of my friends who has relatives that work with one of the airlines is looking into getting me a deal on a flight (I'm looking at 800 bucks roundtrip at such short notice which is insane...my backup is to fly to New York which is only 300, but I'm not sure where to go in New York...though I'm sure I could get a couple of people to drive down from Boston or I could drive up from there, but its a four hour trip (more with traffic) which could be problematic.

The story should probably be more thoroughly explained than what I just gave ya'll, but I'm in a bad mood so go screw yourselves if you have a problem with how I explained it.

Incidentally...just because I was attracted to a girl with a face I didn't like does not mean I'm suddenly going to be chasing any dog on the street--(the person who this statement was for knows who they are).

I'll post again when I feel like it...which may be never so it will be interesting to check the site meter periodically to see how long it takes before people stop coming around.

Night

Monday, January 17, 2005

 

British Television Quotes (Because I'm classy)

Quotes from Coupling:


Jill: [about the film "Lesbian Spank Inferno"] How could you possibly enjoy a film like that? Steve: Oh, because it's got naked women in it! Look, I like naked women! I'm a bloke! I'm supposed to like them! We're born like that. We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal we're already enjoying the view. Look, it's the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like: naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a bloke is. And if you don't like it, darling, join a film collective. I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of the table here. But that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that's what being a bloke is. When Man invented fire, he didn't say "Hey, let's cook!" He said: "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!" As soon as Caxton invented the printing press we were using it to make pictures of - hey! - naked bottoms. We've turned the Internet into an enormous international database of... naked bottoms. So, you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I'm not so sure how insulted you really ought to be.


Steve: [about the Fertility Clinic's cubicle] It's this place. It's too wholesome. Look, it's wrong for masturbation. Masturbation is supposed to be a bad thing. It's a stealth activity. You do it on your own, in secret, and you lie about it afterwards. You feel guilt! It's one of the last forms of entirely safe guilt left available to a man. I mean, look at this place! Look what the mad fools have done: it's an office suite for masturbation. There's a *receptionist*. There are no receptionists in masturbation. Do you realize what I'm supposed to do here? Do you understand the insanity of it? I am being asked to masturbate in a *good* *cause*. No. Susan, I implore you. I implore all women everywhere on behalf of all men. Do not take the wrongness of masturbation from us.


Steve: We are men. Throughout history we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens in this modern age that our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet for us is the last bastian, the final refuge, the last few sqaure feet of man space left to us. Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell. But that for us is happiness because we are men. We are different. We have only one word for soap. We don't own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines for the photographs of celebrities with all their clothes on. When we have conversations we actually take it in turns to talk. We have not yet reached that level of earth shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut recreationally. We don't know how to get excited about really, really boring things like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches. We do not even know what, what in the name of God's ass, is the purpose of potpouri. Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie. Why do you need that? So please, in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this fortress of solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. We do not pass comment. We do not make judgement. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile alone.


Steve: What is this? Susan: It's a cushion. Steve: Right. Yes. Thank you for that. Very informative. [to Jeff] Steve: You got any of these? Jeff: No. Steve: Of course you haven't. [to shop assistant] Steve: You - are you married? Living with anyone? Junior Shop Assistant: No. Steve: Got any of these? Junior Shop Assistant: No. Steve: Of course not. Okay! [to the women] Steve: You bring these things into our homes. They sit on our chairs. They watch our televisions. Now, I just need to know, on behalf of all men everywhere, I just need to ask, please... What are they for? I mean, look at them! Look at the chubby little bastards! Just sitting around everywhere! What are they, pets for chairs? [to shop assistants] Steve: Come on, you sell them. What are they for? Junior Shop Assistant: Well... Senior Shop Assistant: You sit on them. Steve: Ah! Ha ha ha! You see, that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Okay, watch this. Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now watch me. I'm stting down. And what do I do on my final approach? I - oh! - move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process. It just lies there. It's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite! Jane: It's, you know... padding. Steve: Oh, padding! Now, that's interesting, Jane. See, I like padding. If I was, say, an American Football player, and all those big bastards running at me, I would say "give me some of that padding and be quick about it." If my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks I would say "in view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much." But Susan, Sally, Jane, this is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way as to shield the unprotected user from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and, of course... [drops behind sofa, then sticks head out] Steve: Daleks. Trust me girls, trust me on this one: you do not need padding to tackle upholstery. So please - once and for all, tell me why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of these? Susan: Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom, it might stop you talking!

I don't know if any of these will seem half as funny out of the context of the show...but they sure make me laugh.

 

Stolen Links...cause I'm evil

Today was particularly quiet in the office despite the fact that 2 other people showed up. Everyone was in a mood. On the upside I've been working quite a bit. I got an insane call from my mom this morning not too long after I got in and it pissed me off. I'm pretty sure she is waiting for me to call her back, but its just not going to happen so think what you want of me...I'm not falling into that trap.

Okay...what is in the news today? Well, everything I have today is stolen from other bloggers since I was working today and my data mining abilities were on that task...so here goes.

This article was linked to by the good folks over at MR. The salient passage:

"An essay that does little more than restate the question gets a 1. An essay that compares humans to squirrels -- if a squirrel told other squirrels about its food store, it would die, therefore secrecy is necessary for survival -- merits a 5. Brian A. Bremen, an English professor at the University of Texas at Austin, notes that the writer provides only one real example. Nevertheless, he says, the writer displays "a clear chain of thought" and should be rewarded, "despite his Republican tendencies."

For those of you who are going to assume that the article is from some republican magazine like the weekly standard without actually clicking on the link...it is from the washington post and no other mention is made in the article about the bizarreness of this line.

Via geekpress, this story on potential non lethal weapons is interesting as well as stupifying.

And I might just mention that Voxbaby is doing an excellent job providing some alternatives on Social Security...no particular post, but if you look at the entries for the last couple of weeks you will see what I mean.


Sunday, January 16, 2005

 

My weekend

Confession time...Friday was my birthday...I am a quarter of a century old and getting older everyday. I know it sounds absurd, but when you are attracted to young looking women it is particularly depressing to know that every day there are fewer and fewer who would be willing to talk to you let alone have sex with you.

I'm 25 years old...I have never had a girlfriend...I have never been on a date...I have never had sex...and let me be perfectly clear here, things are only going to get harder in the next 25 years. I made my move for the sexy 18 year old hot blonde who works at the car dealership. She has already expressed concern at how old I am, but I tried again anyway...even despite the fact she now has a boyfriend. I was to put it mildly, pathetic. I couldn't stop pushing. I couldn't stop trying to convince her she should be going out with me. I ask out A LOT of women and get rejected everytime without fail. Sometimes it is really amazing how agressively they reject me. The hot blonde from the dealership (she does have a name and I know it believe it or not, but I'm not using it to protect her identity) was very sweet and nice about the rejection...but she is probably the woman I have found most appealing since I moved to Michigan so it hurt more than normal. As a result I got a couple of bottles of Vodka and when my roommate left I began drinking...heavily. I was hoping I could drink enough to forget my humiliation and for that matter, my name...alas the result was more of me thinking about how screwed up I am and how it was probably smart for Emily to cut off all contact with me.

The truth is that as much as I like my job and have a really good life...I still find myself feeling lonely, miserable, and despondent. It is self-pity really. I don't really have any right to complain. How many people not only don't have anyone, but are stuck in a job they hate or are homeless or any number of other problems that make mine pale in comparison? And then for me to indulge my pain as though it is legitimate and to take to my blog and continue the self-indulgence is really pretty pathetic...but here I am. I guess everyone has a right to complain, but I know if I were telling my problems to myself I would be rolling my eyes at how stupid I was being.

And yet I continue. I can tell you today what the rest of my life will be like. I will live in Michigan for 3 - 4 years before becoming so depressed with my love life that I try to escape all my failures and rejections and ask for a transfer to somplace else...maybe someplace close at first...Cincinnati or Chicago. Then in another few years the same thing will happen again and a few years after that again...and again...and again. Soon I'll be 50, with no friends, no love life, and very little reason to get up in the morning. My job will keep me going if I'm lucky until I retire, but sooner or later I'll become so bitter that I won't be able to do my job and will have to leave. Once that happens I'll become a hermit, never letting my wrinkled old body leave the house to be reminded that there are so many young women in the world who find me to be a disgusting creepy old man. One day I'll buy a gun and blow my brains out not to be discoverd for many months. The truth is that that scenerio is actually not my nightmare scenerio. My nightmare scenerio is that I buy the gun and never work up the nerve to kill myself and as a result go on living day after day becoming more miserably depressed until I lose control of my bodily functions and have to hire some middle aged nurse to come change my diapers for years until I die in a puddle of my own piss when my heart gives out while I'm attempting to obtain an erection.

So this is what my weekend has primarily been about...me trying to cope with the inevitable thread of my life. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to post something a little less self-indulgent and a little bit more upbeat...I'll find some television quotes or something.

Night all.

Friday, January 14, 2005

 

My AP site isn't working so this is all you get today.

Well, linking to this essay may be a little late (it was intended for the holidays) but I think it is still worth pointing to. It is in praise of misers, such as Scrooge.

"Scrooge has been called ungenerous. I say that's a bum rap. What could be more generous than keeping your lamps unlit and your plate unfilled, leaving more fuel for others to burn and more food for others to eat? Who is a more benevolent neighbor than the man who employs no servants, freeing them to wait on someone else?"

I think the essay makes a valuable point, but could be misleading as well. The idea that those who do not live a miserly lifestyle and are still not generous, those that consume only for their own benefit, are somehow to be viewed negatively seems to be the unintentional message. This is not true however. So long as everyone consumes according to their own desires and within their capacity to demand (demand is meant in the economic sense) then they are doing the best service possible. It is only when market forces are allowed to work to allocate resources according to our revealed preferences that we can say that progress has been made. If a miser prefers to save every cent possible than he is not distorting the market away from a better more effecient world, but if he is forced to save and does not prefer it, then he may cause the underproduction of some good society would prefer to have more of. Should we praise Scrooge (before his reformation)? Yes. Should we condemn Lord Mayor for his consumption? No.

Just a thought for the day.

In other news, Arizona sheriff orders pink handcuffs for prisoners. They will match the pink boxer shorts and bed that they sleep in.


Thursday, January 13, 2005

 

Quick News Story

I saw this story and it reminded me of an argument I got into with a ardent feminist I knew in college. She claimed conservative men just couldn't stand the thought of a woman in power and I retorted that Margaret Thatcher is considered by most conservatives to be one of the best world leaders of the 20th century. She stared at me aghast and said...I swear I am not making this up..."that's just because she didn't care about protecting other women. " How do you respond to something like that?

In any case, this passage from the AP story caught me off guard:

The bizarre coup plot drew mercenaries from elite British schools into an attempt to take over Africa's third-largest oil producer, which is led by a dictator with reported cannibalistic tendencies.

Canabalistic tendencies? Maybe I'm off point here but where is the line between canabalistic tendencies and canabalism? Just a weird thought for the day.

On another note...I will be approaching the hot blonde at my car dealership on Saturday and asking her out again. I'm going to be suave and forceful, causing her to swoon as she is taken over by my animal magnetism...sure some women only see the drooling and groveling, but underneath that there are loads of animal magnetism that is simply irresistible.

Wish me luck.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

 

Geek Pick up Lines

Via Geekpress, top 11 geek breakup lines. (My question is why does a geek have to break up with an inflateable doll? Can't you just let out the air and put her back in the closet?)


Some examples:

Now that Half Life 2 is out, I need to refocus my priorities.

I need a lover who understands that 20 hours a day on the Internet is normal.

My favorite is the honest approach

I'd like a true beauty so I don't have to spend so much time photoshopping your ugly face out of our photos.



Monday, January 10, 2005

 

From the 100 things we didn't know last year article

Thanks to MR for the headsup on this BBC story...
"1. Street brawlers sometimes arm themselves with potato peelers, according to the Home Office, which wants to make them banned weapons. "

I also appreciate this one:

"11. The opening lines of the Communist Manifesto - "A spectre is haunting Europe - the spectre of Communism" - were initially translated as 'A frightful hobgoblin stalks through Europe'. "

This one can't be right:

"82. Alan Smithee is a prolific director of film stinkers. His is the name directors use if a film is recut by the studio against their wishes. The alias was first used on the 1969 western, Death of a Gunfighter. Its origins are somewhat murky, but one theory goes that it is an anagram of "The Alias Men."

Finally the most useless tidbit I think I have read in several monthes:

"100. Bill Clinton sent just two e-mails while he was president. "





Thursday, January 06, 2005

 

Jason provides some clarification on previous post

The ever insightful and brilliant Jason decided to take some initiative and put me in my place on my post below. Apparently in the "attempted poisoning case" in the post below it was the jury instruction that appears to have been the problem. Thanks to Jason here is the link to the actual appellate opinion. "The statutory definition of the crime of poisoning includes the attempt to poison..." As the opinion puts it "a defendent may not be convicted of the separate offense of attempt when proving an attempt would also establish the elements of the substantive crime." Jason may want to correct me here but basically this seems to be comparable to comitting murder successfully but having a charge of attempted murder on the list of charges against you. I might also add that Jason is over on the blogroll under A Random Walk and should be checked out on a fairly regular basis so that we can keep him from turning to the dark side and stopping his entertaining posts.

 

Random stories for the day

Oh my God (for not being a religious man I use that phrase way too much).

This story is the catalyst for my latest utterance. I can't believe we had to have a new trial because: "a state appeals court overturned Foster's previous conviction because she was charged with 'attempted poisoning,' which was not a specific crime under Florida law." I'm not a legal scholar but it seems to me that a. the prosecution was just stupid for not going for attempted murder and b. that there must at least be some basis in common law for prosecuting someone based on attempted poisoning and that as such even if the prosecutor was stupid it hardly seems to warrant a new trial in of itself. Granted, I'm not familiar with the specifics of the case, but that has never stopped me from judging other peoples actions before so why should it cause me to start now.

Then there is this suicide by a surgeon in Arkansas with the following bizarre characteristics.

1. "He wrote on his arm in ink, "No Post Mortem." And the note went on, "To the Coroner, I took an overdose and there is no need to violate my body."

2. He indicated his love for his CAT in the suicide note that went on for 5 pages.

3. "During his life, the surgeon was an outspoken proponent for organ donation, but the way he committed suicide did not allow his organs to be harvested. "

4. Finally, his egotistical suicide note apparently stated that the world just wasn't ready for him.

I personally think he listed to Don McClean's "Vincent" a few too many times.

Another story in the Economist about why I will probably never be able to retire even with my high savings rate.

This thanks to Marginal Revolution will provide hours of interesting reading. It is responses to the question "WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IS TRUE EVEN THOUGH YOU CANNOT PROVE IT?"

Also thanks to MR a new link to blog by a food economist will be appearing on the left shortly. Link here.

Kerry is terribly enjoyable and every once in awhile I feel the need to give her a free plug. I would like to point out today though that I am now an ardent feminist as I have been letting my female roommate shovel the driveway.

(In case any hot blondes are reading the above passage and now disregarding me as being unmateable--if you have met me you probably came to this conclusion independently of the above statement--I would like to point out that my roommate leaves for work before me most days and claims to have some OCD thing going on so really I'm not avoiding shoveling the walk...I'm enabling her psychotic behavior.)


Sunday, January 02, 2005

 

Update on my Woman Search

No new developments, just more rejection, but many types of rejection.

I went to a New Years Eve party with Jay and Matt...no viable women there, but I had a good time nonetheless.

The next night I went to Posh, a local club. My dancing was so bad that the bouncer recommended I call a cab to get home. There might have been other reasons for the recommendation too...I refuse to comment on that. I got rejected by 3 different women that I approached and at least one that I didn't even talk too. I was standing at the bar dancing all by myself and I guess this girl thought I was trying to dance with her and gave me a look, a wave of the hand, and walked away.

Tonight I missed two opportunities to approach women and the one I did approach turned out to be 16 (almost 17). I went to get ice cream. On the way there I passed starbucks and saw a cute girl with two other girls in the window and was going to hit them up on my way back but they were gone so I screwed up on that. On the way back I also think I might have gotten checked out by a girl in the starbucks but she was with a guy. She was cute, but it wasn't obvious enough for me to feel like I was in a position to approach her while in the middle of a conversation with another guy.

The 16 year old works at the ice cream place and she was very cute. I flirted with her but had my suspicions that she was a minor. I posed the question and got the response I didn't want. Of course if I'm lucky maybe she will continue working there until she turns 18 and I can get rejected by her officially then.

Anyway, not much new to report, but I have to get some stuff ready for tomorrow as I haven't gotten much done this weekend in terms of work.

Chat with ya all later.

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